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centaur_passion
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Name: Kim
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Columbia
Birthday: 4/22/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: violin, hats, Taffy, Jack's Mannequin, randomness, pointy ears, Artemis Fowl, llamas, photography, Japaneseness, bracelets, angsty poetry, Photoshop, Avatar, the Used, guitar, Flash, doodling all over my school papers, Chobits, the All-American Rejects, lens flares, saving AIM conversations, deviantART, piano, Regina Spektor, the Sims 2, xanga (and not myspace), DDR, ribbons, and wings
Expertise: procrastinating, computerness, spilling stuff, being invisible
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TheOnlyKibeekum
Member Since:
11/22/2003
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| When people who are my age get married and reproduce, I must say it freaks me the hell out. There's hardly anything more actively disturbing to me than the fact that our generation has progeny.* Or at least has marital attachments. People I still see as sixth graders. People who are my classmates. Or more terrifyingly, my friends. In my book thus far, friends are not parents. I don't know about you kids, but the thought sends chills down my spine like an eleven-year-old smashing ice cream on my neck, minus the sugary gore of strawberry syrup stains. What if the parasite bites me next? Admittedly, that would require some action on my part, but it still scares me silly. The adulthood virus is spreading. Run while you still can!
Before arthritis sets in.
Hardy harr harr.
* Disregarding AIDS, porn, and the bullshit that the deluded American masses take in daily. But although I find these things disturbing as well, they don't give me the same this-is-super-weird-and-wrong anxiety that a peer with a family does.
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| So I've been thinking a bit. Not really going on an internal depressive stampede, careening at the edge of cliffs of self-deprecation like I normally do. This is the first time in awhile that I've had anything to say.
I've noticed that a lot of us have this dark, mysterious past locked onto an old relationship. It's like a bruise, and everyday things poke it and we can't leave it behind. Eamon is mine, of course. Others of you have your own sore spots. And I think it's because I surround myself with romantics. We believe in love. We love completely, we live with intensity...I don't think I'd have it any other way. Who wants to live without acting alive?
Eamon, you are so special to me.
I know there's this part of you that exists in some other time that climbs on rooftops and disregards social norms and sits in churches where the windows are out of order. It was like you came out of nowhere to love me completely, and I loved you so much. Part of me is back there with the old you, in the cathedral, talking about dark matter and the future and causing a load of chaos. Do you remember the time we snuck into the office David Jones and the plaster hands rose disembodied from the stage next to the pulpit and we talked about what God would think of us being somewhere so holy, being us? I told you that it felt like a flashback in my story being told, because it would be ironic if I became the villain someday. Maybe I did become the villain. But even if I am the antagonist now, I loved you so much. I'll always be in love with the people we were. But now I think I'm ok to let it be.
I've found that there's a sort of freedom in rejection. You think that you need approval to survive - you think you want people to love you and schools to accept you and you don't know how you'll live without those tokens of your worth. Rejection takes away the supports. I don't need college acceptances to be happy with who I am. I know that I am amazing - I'm an Amazing - and nobody is ever going to believe it if I don't believe it myself. Now that I'm liberated from following the stampede thoughtlessly to college, nothing is going to stop me. I will live an interesting life, so help me, and I won't let myself be brought down by arbitrary standards of normalcy.
A lot more in life is arbitrary than you'd initially suspect.
Now go liberate yourself. 
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| You guys may remember a post I made a few months ago (link) about these people that made me so happy because they were in love. Today I found out sort of in passing how that relationship ended. Damn it, why are people such morons? We should all be happy with what we've got, except that we can't because our threshold for happiness adjusts when anything that used to cause happiness becomes permanent. Love is an evolutionary sham. It decays as soon as one person decides there's nothing left to gain in the relationship and no novelty remains. I trust no relationship to last and no person not to change for the worse. It seems like as relationships progress, the original intimacy involved in talking to one another is eventually replaced with physical stuff, and the relationship becomes completely crude and loses anything that made it worthwhile short of immediate gratification. I don't know about you guys, but this seems completely backwards to me. Well...society is stupid, I guess. That and the fact that the reason for everything we do is ultimately to reproduce. Why is the world so lame? Why was I ever deluded into thinking it was a good place?
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| Huzzah!
Admitted to the Washington University Sam Fox College of Art and Design.
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| I'm beginning to consider taking a year off before going to college. I'm not sure I can take four more years of this.
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